Look at me, doing a real discussion post! But this is one of those things I was just driven to talk about. Instead of, “I need a discussion post topic, let me think of something,” it was, “These thoughts have bouncing around in my head, I should share them.”

Anyway, this might be a bit ranty, mostly about queer and disabled exclusion as it pertains to paranormal/fantasy/magic-related sex. (Tackling all the problems with sex in all the genres seemed like it would be a lot for one blog post. Also, SFF is what I read.)

I’m going to use a few specific books as examples, but I’ve seen this sort of thing in lots of books. I’m not going to name any of them because this isn’t meant to be a shaming post. It’s not even an angry post. Especially not toward the authors. It’s more of a general societal thing that frustrates me.

Fair warning, sex talk ahead! Straightforward, not subtle sex talk. So, you know, maybe don’t read this at work 😅

So the book I read that really got me thinking about this was a M/M book about shifters. Well, one shifter, one human. Well, the shifter couldn’t actually shift—not the point. In this world, there’s a mating bond, and to make the bond the “alpha” partner has to bite the other partner while they’re having sex at the moment when the non-alpha partner comes… or something like that. It was a little unclear, but that was how I understood it. But anyway, my biggest issues here are:

1) Every time sex is required for a bond or a ritual or a turning or whatever, it excludes everyone who can’t or doesn’t want to have sex. There are sex-repulsed asexuals, there are people who can’t have sex because of disability, there are people who have trauma from sexual assault, there are people who just aren’t interested, etc. Even when it’s about a romantic relationship, you can still have a romantic relationship without sex.

2) The definition of sex is always so limiting in these books. For some reason, hands and mouths never count. It always has to be a penis in a hole between the legs. Which then begs the question, what if neither partner involved has a penis? Do strap-ons count? Or what if one or both partners are unable to use their genitals for penetrative sex? What if they simply don’t want to? Why make the definition so limiting in the first place?

Not only is this a fictional thing in which the author could’ve made up anything, we’re also talking about magic. You’re telling me the magic has a strict rule that sex only “counts” if a penis is put into a vagina or a butt? No. I don’t buy it.

There was even a cis F/F side couple in this book, so how were they going to do the bond? How did the author not consider that?

Another thing about this book was that the alpha had to specifically be the one doing the penetrating. Or, again, that’s what I understood from the explanations and actions of the characters. But penetrating and being penetrated do not automatically correlate to being dominant and being submissive, respectively. You can be dominant and also be penetrated, and vice versa. There are no rules, in life, that say otherwise! It’s allowed! In fact, it’s a thing some people do!

(I know there’s a whole omegaverse with rules and stuff. I don’t know if this book was part of that or not. I feel like my point still stands anyway.)

This is not specific to fantasy, but I read another book once about a bisexual main character who complained it was a pain trying to have one-night hook-ups with [cis] men because they usually wanted penetration and then you had to figure out top and bottom, and he didn’t want to bottom, and why couldn’t they just be happy with mutual blowjobs or handjobs? He preferred hooking up with [cis] women because that was much less complicated, there was no need to discuss anything, he could just fuck them!

And I thought to myself… so close. He was so close to that epiphany that he must’ve felt the breeze as it flew by. (I am referring to the character because I don’t want to assume the author’s thoughts or feelings.)

He didn’t like being penetrated. And yet he just assumed all women liked it and wanted it in every hook up. It didn’t even cross his mind that there might be women feeling the same way as him.

Which brings me to another issue: Why is it almost always assumed with cis M/F pairings that women want to be penetrated, want to bottom, want to be the submissive, etc.? Or the inverse, why is it almost always assumed that men want to be the penetrator and the top and the dominant? Why is it never discussed between the partners?

(I am being careful how I use the words “top” and “bottom” in this post because they could lead to confusion. For some people, “top” simply means doing the penetrating. For others, it includes dominance. For some, who aren’t familiar with queer terminology, it means the person who is literally on top during the sex.)

Let’s jump topics a bit now and talk about one more sex thing I often have an issue with in books: virginity. Virginity is a made-up concept. It’s not a concrete thing. And it is, as with many things mentioned in this post, very allocishet. Because once again, the only sex that seems to count is sticking a penis into a vagina or a butt. Which, sure, can include cis gay men, but still excludes a lot of queer and disabled people. And the idea that it’s such a big, important thing creates a myriad of issues. Issues around people feeling like something is wrong with them if they don’t “lose their virginity” fast enough. Issues around people feeling they must “keep their virginity,” or other people acting like someone is dirty if they don’t. Yes, a first time having sex, whatever you consider sex, can be a big deal if that’s how you feel! All firsts, whether a new thing you’re trying or a new partner, can be a big deal. But virginity as a thing, especially a super special important thing with a strict definition that is either put on a pedestal or used to ridicule/pressure people, doesn’t make a whole lot of sense.

And yet, virginity comes up a lot in books too. In general, I don’t have strong feelings about this, depending on how it’s used. Like I said, first times can be important and/or a fun thing to explore in a story. But in paranormal books, sometimes a spell requires someone to be a virgin, or to lose their virginity. And somehow getting a blowjob doesn’t count to the ancient magical force that exists outside of human language and probably existed long before we even made up the concept of virginity.

One time I even read a book in which the vampires could smell who was a virgin. Surprisingly, it wasn’t sexist, since they could smell it regardless of gender, so there was that, at least. But… huh? How could they smell a made-up concept that has no physical basis?

Anyway, I’m not telling anyone what to write or read. I get nervous publishing these kinds of posts because I worry it will come across that way. But I get it that sometimes we write or read in order to explore things that we know are problematic in real life. Sometimes it’s necessary for the story the author wants to tell. And characters aren’t perfect and might have beliefs that the author doesn’t. I’m just sharing some thoughts that have been swirling around in my head for a while now.

In most cases, I don’t think authors are trying to exclude people. Like I said, some might be using these ideas for a reason, and others have just been taught one thing by society and have never thought to look closely at it. I know I didn’t always think about all these things. But that’s the point of talking about it. I might’ve even said something wrong in this very blog post and will learn something myself when someone points it out.

And there are ways in which some of these things can be done so that they make sense and aren’t exclusionary! Characters can just discuss things, instead of assuming (though it is fair that sometimes that wouldn’t be in-character for them to do). There could be options for doing the magical bond or ritual, with sex being just one of them. “Sex” can include more than just P-in-V or P-in-A. Things like sex and virginity can be determined by the characters, what it means to them. For example, I read a short story once in which a character had to “lose his virginity” to break a spell, but he and his partner discussed how virginity isn’t really a thing and means something different to different people, and so the spell was just based on what it meant to him specifically. (Actually I will mention this one since it’s a positive example, “The Immaculate Marlow King” by Amanda Meuwissen.)

That’s all. I have no fancy conclusion. I just would like it if people thought a little more about things like gender roles and assumptions and arbitrary rules when it comes to sex.