Bookish Musings: Supernatural Creatures Ranked by How Much I’d Like to Bone Them

 
 

My blog is going in a really weird direction I had not expected when I created it.

But this is what I do now! I rank things! Well, I ranked two things (sci-fi worlds and fantasy worlds), so this is obviously the logical next step. I’m gonna rank supernatural creatures by how fuckable they are! It’ll be great. Trust me.

There are about a million different types of supernaturals out there, so I chose what I think are the ten most well-known ones and based this list mostly off of how I’ve generally seen them portrayed in fantasy and paranormal romance books. That means I’m also assuming they’ll be sexy and not try to kill me.

So let’s do this! Get ready for a whole lot of weird sex talk…


10. Zombie

I know this is usually more of a sci-fi creature, but it toes the line enough that I can include it.

Anyway… Zombies are gross. Their body parts are literally rotting off. Even in the books I’ve read where the zombies weren’t the kind to mindlessly attack humans, they were usually still rotting and festering. Can you say yeast infection? Or just, like, general infection? I know I said I’d be basing this off of the sexy versions of things, but is there such thing as a sexy zombie? I don’t know, and I’m not gonna take my chances.

 

9. Animal Shifter

Here’s the thing about shifters. They have two forms: an animal form, and a human form. I’m not going to fuck them in their animal form. So that means I’d just be doing it with them in their human form, which is like doing it with a human, and that’s no fun when I’ve got all these other supernaturals to choose from.

There are werecreatures that are like giant, hairy, half-human/half-animal beasts, but that’s just not my thing (no judgment if it’s yours!), so it still gets the #9 spot.

 

8. Centaur

The real problem with centaurs is logistics. I mean, their lower halves are like horses, and, well, do I really need to explain? You get it, right? On the chance that you don’t, I’ll just say it: I don’t have any orifices I can fit a horse dick into. I also don’t want to stick anything into any of the orifices of a horse (unless it’s a carrot in their mouth, but that doesn’t really apply with centaurs). Sex doesn’t require penetration, depending on your definition, but I just don’t want anything to do with horse genitals in general. I know centaurs are technically not horses, but I imagine their genitals are pretty similar, so it might be weird.*

Also, even if we did figure something out, or even if it turned out they had human-sized genitals I could work with, we’re right back to logistics because then I couldn’t even reach their human half.

If we’re talking about doing things with just their upper half (my gosh, I did not expect to spend this long talking in detail about all the different ways in which one could fuck a centaur), then yeah, ok, that’d be cool, but it’d be like fooling around with a human, which, again, isn’t very exciting on a list of supernatural creatures. Like, I’d probably still do it because hello, centaurs are still cool. But they have to go somewhere on the list.

*Somewhere, somehow, a centaur is reading this in pure outrage, muttering, “Centaurs are NOT horses!” through their clenched teeth, trying to figure out how to find me so they can get vengeance. Although whether their intention will be to kill me or to prove me wrong about their sexual prowess is yet to be determined. *Fingers crossed* (Not really sure which I’m hoping for though, to be honest.)

 

7. Ghost

I have no idea how one would have sex with a ghost, but I sure would be curious to find out! I read a book once in which the MC had sex with a ghost—his ghostly form kinda lay over her and then went inside her whole body, or something?—and she enjoyed it. So it’d be worth trying for a new experience. But I’ve also read a series in which the MC’s boyfriend was a ghost, and they were all sad because they couldn’t have sex (I guess they didn’t think of trying the inside-body thing), so there’s also a chance that ghost sex could be really lame.

 

6. Angel

So, angels are great, but I’m not sure sex with an angel would be that different from sex with a human. But hello??? It’s an angel! They would be beautiful and have wings at least. I just want to have sex with a supernatural that has wings. Is that too much to ask?

 

5. Merfolk

Now, I know what you’re thinking.

“How can you even fuck merfolk? Merfolks’ lower halves are very fish-like!”

(OK, you probably weren’t thinking exactly that because that was a very weird way to phrase that, but I already have centaurs after me for comparing them to horses, I don’t need merfolk after me too.)

Merfolk do have very fish-like lower halves, but 1) they’re not fish, their tails don’t even work the same way fish tails do, so their genitals may be completely different, and 2) I’m no fish genital expert, but I’m pretty sure fish do have them. So, conceivably, one could fuck a merperson. (And, again, don’t need penetration or anything in particular for sex, sex can be defined differently by everyone.)

The question though is, would one want to fuck a merperson?

Spoiler alert: The answer is yes.

The real problem, much like with centaurs, would be the logistics. If we’re going to have to do it in the ocean, that’d be a no-go because drowning is not on my to-do list. BUT, for the sake of this list, let’s say it’s possible to do it in shallow water, like the shoreline or an inflatable pool or a hot tub. Or maybe they have magic that lets you breathe underwater. I’d still have to deal with the scales, which I’m not a huge fan of touching (have you ever touched a fish?) but it’d be balanced out by the fact that I’d be having sex with a FREAKING MERMAN—a beautiful, magical creature I have always had a fondness for.

 

*I had a hard time deciding between 4-2 because they’re all similar in a sense in that they’re all humanoid and presumably all have (or are) some kind of magic, but it’s unclear exactly what kind of magic since they’re portrayed so differently in different books. They’re all pretty evenly matched in my mind.*

 

4. Demon

I’m honestly not sure if it’s bad or good that I’m putting this higher on the list than angels.

The problem with demons is that you don’t know what you’re gonna get. You might get a sexy one who will show you a sinfully great time and maybe even have some fun abilities. You might get one who will try to manipulate you into trading your soul. Or you might get a horrifying one that will just kill you as soon as you’re done.

I am assuming I’ll be getting the sexy versions of supernaturals for this list though. So, with that assumption, sex with a demon could be hella fun. (Hehehe I made a pun.) Especially if they’re an incubus with sex magic. And/or if they have horns or a tail or bat wings because those things are all awesome. And demons probably don’t have many inhibitions when it comes to sex (am I stereotyping demons?), so they’d probably be down for anything.

Demons are still kinda scary though (to be fair, most of the beings on this list are scary, but demons still seem especially so). So 4th place it is.

 

3. Faery

There are tons of different types of fae out there, so for this, I’m sticking to the human-looking kind. They’re beautiful and otherworldly and might even have some cool animal-esque body parts, like prehensile tails or horns. (I THINK CERTAIN ANIMAL-ESQUE BODY PARTS ARE HOT, SO SUE ME.) And maybe they’d be able to do some magic to make things more interesting?

Again, faeries, also scary. But they’re often portrayed as super beautiful, and if I’m gonna have a one-night stand, might as well be superficial about it!

But reminder to everyone who may be considering having sex with a faery: Just make sure you don’t swallow. That’s how they get you.

 

2. Djinn

I haven’t seen djinn in that many books, or any media really, and what I have seen has been portrayed all different, so I’m even less certain what abilities they might have. But they’re usually pretty sexy. Plus, shapeshifting is a possibility, and how cool would it be if they could make themselves look like all different people? They might even be able to do magic or grant you wishes. Perhaps even sexy wishes. I could have some fun with that. That tentatively earns them a spot above faeries.

 

1. Vampire

If you have ever visited my blog before, you knew I was going to do this. You knew, and I know you knew, and to choose any other supernatural as my number one would have been an outright lie. I am a basic bitch, and I love me some vampires.

That scene in The Vampire Chronicles when Lestat and Akasha drink from each other at the same time? I still remember the first time I read that. It was the most erotic thing I had ever read, and they weren’t even having sex! Of course I want to fuck a vampire. That’s what happens when you spend your teenage years reading Anne Rice.

It has to be one of the civilized, gentlemanly ones though, obviously. The ones with pleasurable bites. And even if they drained me dry, I wouldn’t even be mad because what a way to go.

 
 
 
 

Talk to me!

What would your ranking of sexy supernatural creatures be?

 
 
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  1. Roberta R.

    Naughty, naughty individual! šŸ¤£ This is the most unique post I’ve ever read…

    “I know I said Iā€™d be basing this off of the sexy versions of things, but is there such thing as a sexy zombie?”
    Eeeh…I guess…NOPE?

    “(my gosh, I did not expect to spend this long talking in detail about all the different ways in which one could fuck a centaur)”
    šŸ˜‚

    “(am I stereotyping demons?)”
    Oh, poor things! šŸ˜†

    You…seem to have put a lot of thought into this post. And of course – vampires! Preferably slightly sanitised vampires LOL – but it sounds like you wouldn’t mind so much if they weren’t such šŸ˜‰. I had a good laugh with this post, but I’m not completely sure it shouldn’t be taken seriously šŸ‘€.

    1. Kristen

      I don’t know about unique, but definitely weird šŸ˜

      Tbh, I actually have read about a sexy zombie, but I feel like those are not the norm lol.

      Haha, I’m glad you enjoyed it! This is a serious topic that deserves serious consideration šŸ˜‰

  2. Blodeuedd

    Saw it on twitter. I had to read it

    Centaur bottom must be horse dick how else could they mate with female centaurs with tiny human ones. Anyway ugh scary

    Meermen… Maybe they have nothing and do it like fish. That made them boring

    Fae elves whatevs are at least not entirely human so I will go for those and a hot demon.

    Omg you are so right about shifters. They are just human!

    1. Kristen

      Haha yesss, I love that you’ve added your thoughts!

      Oh you’re right, smaller dicks probably wouldn’t work for centaurs. Then yeah, I put that one in the right spot lol.

      Fae and demons! Glad you agree on ranking them highly šŸ˜†

  3. Mary Kirkland

    Vampire for the win! I agree, I love vampires and totally would be taking my chances with one if I had the chance. Zombies though, all I can think about are things or a certain ‘thing’ falling off during the act. Even if he was a newly turned zombie and wasn’t rotting, I would still be thinking about it. lol Yes, I went there.

  4. Becky @ A Fool's Ingenuity

    I’m not even surprised to see vampires as number 1 on your list. I totally agree about having zombies at the bottom though. Dead things are just ew. I know you could argue vampires are also dead but they aren’t rotting and that’s really the important thing. imagine the smell! But I feel like shifters should be a little higher, I mean ghosts are part of the dead thing issue (no smell though) and I get it, you are basically sleeping with a human but usually shifters are written to have greater strength in either form and that appeals to me. I definitely feel like each creature needs clarification about what rules you have for the supernatural creatures. I mean, there are a lot of different vampire interpretations in various books after all. And don’t even get me started on faeries!

    1. Kristen

      That’s cuz you know me šŸ˜› I’m glad everyone at least seems to agree on the zombie placement lol. Oh gosh, I didn’t even consider the smell! That’s fair, about the shifter ranking. Strength would be nice. Yeah this list might end up super different if I had detailed descriptions of exactly what each could do, haha.